


Terrible Decisions

by szwa



Category: Original Work
Genre: 3 am conversations, F/F, as per usual, teenagers being dumbasses, trigger warnings in notes, underage sm0king
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29578170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/szwa/pseuds/szwa
Summary: Esther was peculiar in a way that Anadil would've been repelled by it, but Esther was very persuasive. She was charming and alluring; a force of nature — a girl who took the form of a tornado, and Anadil could see into the eye of the storm. She could see the fire burning everything in its path, a cry of rebellion against everything that glowed with life. Did she dare enter the flames?





	Terrible Decisions

**Author's Note:**

> TW: sm0king, religious mentions

This girl was possibly the most eccentric person Anadil had ever come to know, and Anadil had known a lot of odd people — the first being her mother, who Anadil was never able to comprehend was supposed to be her mother. Odd people she remembered were of people most notably like Cory and Tayvia, who she’d long ago left behind in her life — at least the best she could.

Izel, although everyone called her Esther (Izzy was too common, and anyway she preferred how “Esther” felt on the tongue), was definitely an oddball, but not to her own accord. It was her face that didn’t quite blend with the Asian kids, how she towered over the other girls like a beacon of silvery-gray hair that was entirely untouched by any dyes. The paleness contrasted with the dark olive tone of her skin and near amber hues of her eyes.

She was known as a party animal, whether or not there was actually a party. Esther was a one-woman band on her own terms. She might conspire against the staff with a group of fellow wannabe delinquents or she might solo-ninja that sort of bullshit. Ana never bothered with it much to actually witness things like that herself. Maybe she’d be sitting in class and some wild shit would happen thanks to Esther being a rebel.

But that was only the first year of high school when Anadil had begun to drift away from her friends, but still didn’t know Esther enough to even consider calling her an “acquaintance” and more just “a classmate.” Cory and Taylor were, by then, harder to tolerate being around when you could basically drown in the sexual tension they constantly emitted from being so attached at the hip. No one ever told them, though. Taylor was your generic anime protagonist, but French. Cory was an… unstoppable  _ abomination _ of nature. Taylor’s twin sister, Octavia, who much preferred “Tayvia,” was much harder to talk to when the girl crowd constantly snatched her up. And anyway, she was always yapping about  _ her new crush and how bad Tiffany’s eyeshadow clashed with her hair and they needed it fixed ASAP _ . Anadil could never keep up with her in a conversation. Similar to Taylor, she was your typical girl protagonist in every teen drama dream.

She’d always find an excuse to wander away from all three of her middle school friends. They’d stopped paying attention to her anyway, so what did it really matter?

Anadil briefly started hanging around with Gertrude and her friend, Sebastian. They were definitely classed as nerds, but their attire didn’t exactly scream “nerd,” rather, it screamed angst and rock. Emo, or goth, Anadil could never be bothered to remember. She had noticed they never really hung out with any of the more nerdy folk, and Sebastian didn’t join the art kids and said he was tired of sitting around in dark closets with the emo kids. They were nice enough and at least acknowledged her snarky attitude, appreciating her company. 

Apparently, Gertrude was ginger until she dyed her hair midnight blue (“it’s not ultramarine, Tiffany!”), similar to Anadil, though Anadil went for cherry-red. Gertrude was a short girl with an endearing nasally voice, an affinity for rabbits, and had claimed that she was still heartbroken over her old crush on a guy called Simon or whatever. Sebastian would always make a face when the name came up. Sebastian, despite being incredibly tall and intimidating for a guy with twigs for arms, was very comparable to a puppy and followed Gertrude around waiting for her to toss a pity bone. He’d stutter when he complimented her, too. Anadil could clearly see the crushing developing between them. This time, it was almost cute, whereas Cory and Taylor were just plain painful to watch — and it was sort of disgusting when it was them.

During their sophomore year, when Tayvia stopped trying to talk to her, and Cory and Taylor finally got a room, Anadil was properly introduced to Esther, who apparently shared an interest in the photography club with Gertrude and was invited to the arcade with them.

She had this look in her eye, a look that said that she was ready for adventure, for whatever life threw at her. It reminded Anadil of some child-like innocence, ignorant of the cruelties out there. Or maybe it was stupidity she saw in Esther’s eyes. Did it matter?

But it was moments like these when Anadil questioned how far that innocence went — they had reached their junior year, and Esther had dragged Anadil outside to the driveway at nearly 3 am and took them all the way to the school parking lot in her brother’s car, stopping next to the fading light of a street lamp. They sat comfortably, perched on the roof like nothing illegal had just transpired to get them there in the first place (neither of them had their license). Esther further surprised the red-head by pulling out a pack of cigarettes and grinning at her like a mad-man, making a show out of waggling her eyebrows.

“This is a terrible idea,” Anadil remarked plainly, accepting the lighter. Esther laughed.

“It is,” she agreed. 

They sat there for several minutes after Anadil stopped sounding like she was on death’s doorstep, and Esther curled in her legs to hug them. Neither were sure what they were waiting for, exactly. The sunrise, perhaps, or someone to break the silence.

Esther unfurled her legs. “Hey, Ani, I’ve got a question.”

“Mm?” Anadil half-heartedly grunted.

“Are you Irish?” 

Anadil snorted, taking a moment to flick the dreadful cigarette away and lay on her back before answering. “Welsh. My father was Dutch or something.”

Esther hummed in response, nodding and curling her lips. “Was?”

Anadil pursed her lips, but otherwise, her expression didn’t change. “He’s gone.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Anadil sighed. “It never really mattered in the first place.” She stole a glance at her friend. Esther seemed to be contemplating something, mostly for show, though, Anadil could tell. “What’s up?”

“Is that why you’re always alone?” Esther immediately asked, looking down at her. “Because you’re not close with either of your parents?”

Anadil grimaced at how personal and invading her questions were, but Esther was never really the kind of person to stop and think about that. “Why does that correlate with how close I am to my parents?”

“Because you don’t seem to value relationships very much,” Esther shrugged. “You are friends with Tayvia, right?” Anadil blinked and then narrowed her eyes.

“Used to be,” she answered slowly, without addressing the first statement.

Esther nodded. “Well, what happened?”

“We grew apart. I don’t really care.” Anadil sat up on her elbows. “Does it matter?”

Esther nodded again, this time more enthusiastically as if she had just made her point to her. “Yes! And that is exactly my point. You don’t care.”

Anadil stared at her, frowning, and then she made a noise of confirmation. She laid back down. “Whatever, then.”

Esther visibly gripped her cigarette and then tossed it aside in some form of determination. “But Tayvia told me you started avoiding her and her brother, so it was only you that grew distant from them.” She turned her whole body to face Anadil. “Which means you actually cared. But cared for what?”

Anadil leveled Esther with a hard glare. “I don’t mind when you go sticking your nose into other people’s business for the sake of solving a ‘mystery,’ but I would rather you not try to solve  _ me. _ ” Esther held her gaze without backing down, which resulted in Anadil quickly giving up and rolling her eyes. “How about this — why are you so determined to break every rule society has made up?”

Esther immediately broke into a grin and looked away to begin chattering. “That’s easy. My soul is already damned to hell, so I may as well have fun with it.” 

Anadil was... not expecting that, even for someone like Esther, and she watched the other slump down to her hands, elbows resting on her crossed legs. 

“And anyway, why should I care what other people think? I like being a bit of a rebel.”

“A lot of a rebel,” Anadil corrected. “Anyway, what makes you think your soul has been damned to hell? If that’s even a thing.”

Esther laughed lightly. “Well for one, I don’t really care that much. I just like living the way I want to live. But wait, Ani, this was supposed to be about you, and I think I’ve got you figured out.”

Anadil kept her composure. “I don’t really like the idea of you figuring me out, and I also don’t really like the idea that you dragged me out here at 3 am on a school night to smoke.”

Esther tilted her head, biting her lip. “I like to think of it more as… a night of making terrible decisions.” She held up the cigar pack from her hoodie pocket. “Like this, for example. And poking the bear with a stick.” 

Esther winked. Anadil didn’t let herself react to it.

“But, no, really. You don’t like being lonely.” Esther gently placed her hand on Anadil’s calf. “Am I right?”

Anadil didn’t move to shove Esther’s hand away but didn’t say anything to confirm her thoughts either. She sighed defeatedly. “Fine. I’ll entertain you. They’re the ones that don’t care, so why should  _ I _ care? And anyway, they were tired of me hanging around when we both had better things to do.”

Esther raised an eyebrow. “Tayvia is the one that came to me, Ani. I wasn’t the one that asked her.”

Anadil frowned. “What?”

Esther sighed heavily and then leaned back to join her in staring at the sky. “Yes, very sure. I think it’s you that’s tired — tired of thinking they’re the ones that are tired and don’t care.”

Anadil didn’t say anything.

“But…” Esther rolled to her side, giving Anadil a wide grin. “That also means you make terrible decisions too.”

Anadil made a sighing sound that stood between a snort and a  _ tch _ . “I’m not really a masochist, though,” she played, jabbing Esther in the gut with her elbow. 

Esther made an  _ oof  _ sound and did a mock gasp. “Me? A masochist?” She grinned, a little too wide again, at Anadil, which earned her a half-assed glare.

“Yes,” she laughed quietly. Esther smirked at her before rolling onto her back again.

They were both quiet, although Esther at some point asked if Anadil knew anything about stars and constellations. The answer was “not really, no,” so they went blankly staring up at the void.

“Esther?” Esther hummed in acknowledgment. “You’re really weird, you know that?”

Esther laughed, her shoulders shaking. “Is that in a good way or a bad way ‘weird?’”

Anadil thought for a moment. “I would say good for the sake of the fact that I like you, but in truth, I’d agree with the notion that it’s in a bad way. But then again, that’s probably what you’d want to hear.”

Esther snickered before stopping short, suddenly sitting up, and twisting her head around to look at her. “You like me?” Esther asked with a shit-eating grin.

Anadil turned to look at her with a dead-pan glare, which sent Esther howling with laughter. “I honestly don’t see what you’d find so entertaining that you’d lose your shit over it.” She sat up, stretching with a pop.

“I’d lose my shit over you,” Esther hummed. “Any day.”

Anadil snorted and rolled her eyes. “Dork.”

_ “I take it back _ . You’re a  _ bitch.” _

“Jesus.”

“Quite the opposite, actually. We don’t really get along.”

Anadil inhaled sharply, suppressing a laugh that bubbled up her throat. 

“You’re smiling,” Esther teased, poking her side. Anadil immediately crumpled like paper.

“Because you’re _horrible,”_ Anadil wheezed. “And that’s not even _remotely funny._ _Jesus fucking Satan.”_

“I don’t think that’s how it went,” Esther remarked without missing a beat. She was nearly shoved off of the car. “Okay, okay, okay! I’ll stop. I’m done!”

Anadil settled onto her back with a quiet chuckle. “Sure, Esther.”

Esther was still smiling, even as they fell into a comfortable silence. Anadil sighed again, closing her eyes for a moment just as the other began quietly humming a song that she didn’t recognize.

Esther was peculiar in a way that Anadil would've been repelled by it, but Esther was very persuasive. She was charming and alluring; a force of nature — a girl who took the form of a tornado, and Anadil could see into the eye of the storm. She could see the fire burning everything in its path, a cry of rebellion against everything that glowed with life. Did she dare enter the flames? Anadil noticed that Esther had stopped humming.

The bitter scent of smoke blew over her for a moment; the other had picked up another cigarette, and Anadil opened her eyes only to see her amber gaze already on her. She thought to freeze first, unsure of how long Esther had been possibly staring, but neither pulled their eyes away. Anadil only frowned for a moment but Esther had spoken before she could get any words out.

“Hey, Ani?” 

Anadil considered not answering for a moment, suddenly wanting to leave the parking lot and curl up at home where her own fire burned, but then Esther shifted to lean onto her elbow, her face closer to Anadil’s than before. She could smell the nicotine off of her — acidic, toxic. “What?”

“Can I kiss you?” Esther’s eyes shifted lower.

Anadil felt like ice had seeped into her body, but some sliver of curiosity held her tongue. She inhaled sharply. Smoke. “Okay.”

And suddenly, Esther’s lips were on hers. Soft, welcoming, but Anadil felt herself being set aflame. A hand grasped her chin, and they stayed until the sky streaked orange. “Ani, you’re stunning,” Esther murmured, breathless against her mouth.

Anadil only nodded, and Esther pressed herself against her again.

  
  


The lock clicked into place and she carefully made her way to her room. Anadil threw herself beneath the covers. It was warm and safe, but she could still sense the smell of smoke and Esther on her skin. 

She’d shower in the morning, and scrub the ashes off.


End file.
